Red roses
by 116788
Summary: Short story. -'My thoughts drift to Anna again. I can see her standing right in front of me. She waves at me. So this is goodbye then. I feel so tired. So tired. The pain is gone. Only exhaustion is present. Anna's image fades away. I'm going home. But not with you. I'm sorry.'-
1. Petals

Am I afraid of death ?

No.

I'm afraid for those I leave behind.

* * *

The hit was hard. And unexpected. I was dumb. I thought I could make it. In my excitement, I thought that I could make it, that I was some kind of superhuman who was a tiny bit faster than that car speeding towards me. For someone who teaches mathematics and with a PhD in her back pocket, I never had been so wrong as I am now.

 _I'm so stupid._

My head is throbbing like crazy. My vision is a blur. I feel cold. I lay in an awkward position. I try not to move an inch. It hurts so bad.

 _Why did I do it ?_

To be honest ?

 _Of course._

I was in a hurry. I was already late and I rushed to get home. To get back to _her_.

But haste has never done me anything good.

* * *

 _Three days earlier._

 _"Hey, what are you doing ?" Lazy arms wrap around my neck._

 _I smile when her sweet scent fills my nose. Her orange coloured hair falls over my shoulders and I hear her breathing softly next to my ear. "Preparing for tomorrow's presentation," I answer._

 _"Oh, can I know ?" She asks sweetly._

 _She can always know. She can't always understand. I try to repress a deep sigh, it comes out anyways. She lets out a frustrated growl._

 _"Gee, sorry Els. I just wanted to be interested in your work," her arms leave my neck. Cold. She stretches behind me._

 _"Anna, you wouldn't understand," I try to reason with her._

 _"I would if you explained it well enough to me !" She frowns._

 _Even if I did, and I did that plenty of times, she would still not understand it. I sigh again. "Not now, Anna," She pouts. "I really need to get this done, so if you'll excuse me," I bend forward to focus on my textbook again._

 _I hear her behind me stomping angrily around my office. She gets frustrated easily. It's both cute but also really annoying sometimes. She can't help it though. "You think you're so smart," she scoffs._

 _Here we go again._

 _I try not to respond. I can't use this negative energy right now, I'm already beyond exhausted._

 _Anna decides to continue her little sermon. "Just because I'm not that smart, doesn't mean you make fun of me all the time ! I have feelings too and you just waltz over them with your stupid upper class attitude !"_

 _I bite my lip. I know she doesn't mean that. She's just angry, not at me, she knows that too._

 _"Stop ignoring me, Elsa !" She shouts and throws around one of my expensive books._

 _I turn around with a serene look on my face. "Anna, I paid a lot for them ! Please don't throw them around the room."_

 _"Please try to understand me then, for once, Elsa goddammit !" Another book gets thrown across the room._

 _I calmly stand up and pick them up, fold their pages back into their original form and lay them on the shelve where Anna grabbed them from._

 _Anna lets out another_ _angry growl. "Fuck you !"_

 _"Language." I say dryly. Sometimes I'm more acting like her mother than her girlfriend. But she needs that, a mother figure, she can never really live on her own._

 _I walk back to my chair when I hear a strange sound. I turn around to see what it is. I feel like my heart drops eight feet below me. She is ripping out the pages of my textbook. Every single one of them !_

 _"Anna stop it right now !" I shout while I try to pry her fingers off the book. This is one of my most priced possessions, my 'bible', and she is just ripping it apart like a madman. I'm loosing my calmness quickly._

 _Anna doesn't let go of it. She screams made up insults to me and continues to grab at the pages. I'm going to burst if she doesn't let go immediately, and I know I'll regret it. I need to control myself. I'll just grab the book and send her out of the room._

 _"Anna !" I rip the book out of her hands with all my might. She finally lets go. She looks so tired. Her hair is a mess and the mascara on her eyes rolls over her cheeks due to her tears._

 _"You should go," is all I say. I try to regain my breath._

 _She glares at me. Then she spits in my face. My jaw drops. Oh, this is low, this is so very low._

 _"Anna, you were not raised like that," I hiss while I try to wipe her spit off my eye and cheek._

 _She spits again._

 _"That is IT !" I shriek while lose complete control of my temper and hit her hard across her cheek. I hit her harder than I intended to._

 _Her hand flies to her stinging cheek. She looks at me, her eyes are wild. She looks like she could kill me any minute now. I breath heavily as my mind returns to normal again and I realise what just happened. Her hurt eyes shoot me a contemptuous glance. No... wh- what have I done ?_

 _"I hate you ! I fucking hate you !" She turns around and runs out of my study. I hear her fall down on the couch while crying hysterically._

 _My stomach twists and turns. I suddenly feel dizzy and nauseous. My heart aches with guilt. I shouldn't have hit her. I really shouldn't have. This is all my fault. It started out so nice. She was interested in me and I snub her off. Stupid pig that I am. Now she's crying. Because of me._

 _I'm the worst girlfriend ever._

 _She deserves someone better._

 _I grab my stuff and run out the door. I can't stay here any longer._

* * *

It feels like I'm laying here forever. And I'm cold. So cold. I try to look around me while keeping my head as still as possible. The sky is grey. Dark clouds are the only things up there. No sun, nothing.

I hear faint sounds. I can't really place them. It sounds like I'm hearing through glass. Muffled. Muted. It sounds like a song or a dialogue slowed down fifty times. I can't make a thing out of it.

My thoughts wander to Anna.

Anna Warren. The sweetest, goofiest, funniest and dumbest girl ever. The moment I saw her, I knew she had to be a great person. And after spending some time with her, my assumptions only got confirmed. She is really the greatest person I've ever known. She makes me laugh, leads an exciting life full of dreams and wishes, takes nothing for granted and is crazy about dogs. And sandwiches.

But she isn't perfect. And she isnt' who she seemed she was. She is a child in a grown up body, literally. Her parents told me that she had an accident that impacted her brains badly, when she was eight. She had a full recovery, but her brains didn't get older. She didn't get older. She didn't get older than that eight years old kid.

I said I understood. I said I would help her, love her and accept her.

But I haven't.

If I had, I wouldn't have slapped her the other night.

 _You never deserved me. You made yourself believe that you did, but you never did._

Anna always tries to understand me. To understand what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, where I'm coming from with my thoughts. She tries to learn, even though she never really does. I try to explain it to her, how things work, why they work the way they do, but we still end up at the same place we started.

She won't learn anything new. And I have to stop trying to get her learn something new. She already knows a lot. I should have accepted that instead of hoping differently.

She has a job. A fairly nice one too. She works at a toy shop. Selling toys to kids makes her happy, she once said. She adores kids, always wants to work with them, see them happy, smiling. It probably reminds her of her own inner child. The one she'll always stay, even though she doesn't want to. Maybe that's why she connects to kids better than to people her biological age.

I let her down.

As always.

 _They said you would never learn, but I feel like it applies to me more than to you._

Anna. The sweetest, goofiest, funniest and dumbest girl ever. I grin slightly at the thought of her cute, dorky smile.

 _Do you realise how much I love you ?_

A spat of water hits my face and brings my back to the present. I jerk my head up, at least, I try to. A sharp hint of pain shoots through the back of my neck. I hiss.

Someone pries my eye open. White enters my iris, I try to shut the lid. It's so bright, it hurts my brains at until the back of my skull. The white goes away.

"Sweetie lay still, we're gonna get this thing off of you and we're gonna get you out of here," a voice, what I recognise as female, says.

Only then I realise that half of the car is crushing my body awkwardly.

* * *

 _Two days earlier._

 _I sit at my desk, staring at a pile of papers in front of me. They are all marked. Most of my students got B's or A's. I should feel proud of them, I should feel happy !_

 _But I don't feel anything. I feel numb._

 _I stare blankly at the papers. Her hysterical cries keep repeating in my head. She has never cried like that before. And I was the cause of it. A tear rolls down my cheek. I wipe it off angrily. The last thing I should feel is pity, pity for myself. I don't deserve that._

 _The sound of moving chairs and shoes making contact with the floor, wakes me from my trance. The lecture is over. I stand up and try to end it properly. They can't see what's bothering me. They're my students, they don't need my problems._

 _"T-t- thanks," I say hoarse, my throat betraying that I've cried all night. "You all got good grades. I'm proud of you guys. See you tomorrow."_

 _I am left alone in the room. The silence hangs over me like a big wet, leather coat that is slowly suffocating me. I grab my phone and stare at the black screen for a long time. Should I ?_

 _"Well hello there awesome human being, you're speaking with the wonderful and amazing Anna Warren, proud girlfriend of my gorgeous Elsa, the best person in the world. Oh and she is like a professor or something so she's super duper smart and probably smarterer than all you dumb asses haha ! ...what did I have to next ? ... Oh right. Please leave a message after this fabulous beep. BOOOOOOPP !"_

 _I hit the red button. Voice mails aren't my thing. Could have expected it though. I wouldn't want to talk to myself either. '_ _proud girlfriend of my gorgeous Elsa, the best person in the world.' She speaks so highly of me. And I... I didn't do anything to make her feel better. To make her feel appreciated._

 _I hate myself._

 _The screen is black again. I see my reflection in it. My face looks downright horrible. Dark, black bags under my eyes. My hair looks like a bird's nest. My eyelids are drooping of exhaustion. And my skin looks kind of greyish... ew._

 _I'm pathetic._

 _She's has every right to ignore me. I've done it to her so many times._

 _I stare at the clock. Five pm. I can't go home now. I can't face her like this._

 _Slowly I grab my stuff, dump my paperwork in my inbox at the front desk and head to my car._

 _A night in the car then..._

* * *

I've thought multiple times about how I would die. Doesn't everybody ? I hoped I would have kids, grandchildren, maybe grand grandchildren and then die peacefully in my sleep with my old girlfriend by my side. That would be the perfect death. You aren't fully aware of it as you're already asleep.

I didn't want to get murdered, or shot, or stabbed. I didn't want to become ill and then slowly die. Drowning seemed horrible, as for suffocating. Killing myself was even worse. I have thought about it. Of course, there were many times when I just wanted to end it myself. But then I would be running away from my responsibilities. Also, I didn't want to die so sudden that you never got the chance to say goodbye.

Yet here I am.

I never talked with Anna about our death, or death in general. She doesn't like the subject. She is more like the pro life type of girl. Always optimistic, happy, careless and bright. I, on the other hand, am more like the emo type of girl. Always thinking about dark themes and what the purpose of this all is. Completely opposite of her.

I have no idea what she saw in me.

The last couple of months have not been going well. I was busy with work a lot, she had also things to stress about. She always asked how my day was, I never returned the favour. What kind of girlfriend am I ?

One who only thinks about her own problems, misery and sorrows. I deserved it when she spit at me. That was low, but then again, I am low too.

I try to take a breath. It's difficult for me. The car is crushing me from my ribs until my toes. A sharp object is stuck in my stomach. I can feel it. My breaths are shallow. Everything hurts. In the distance, I can hear faint noises. They sound distressed. Are they coming to help me ? Am I being rescued ?

Anna's face appears in front of my eyes again. Her cold glare pierces right through my soul.

 _No one cares about saving me. I'm not worth it._

* * *

 _One day earlier._

 _She hasn't returned all of my calls. Nor my texts. What do I expect ?_

 _I hoped she would at least have called me once. To say she misses me, that she's sorry ?_

 _No._

 _She has nothing to apologise for. I am to blame for everything._

 _The lecture is dull, the students are bored, and I am empty. So empty. I need to hear her voice, even though it's for short. I need to see her face, her cute freckles and her gorgeous eyes. I need to see her smile at me. Letting me know that she still loves me._

 _Do you still love me, Anna ?_

 _I spend my lunch break by myself. Whenever I felt lonely, Anna would always take me to fun places she knew of. And boy, she knew a lot of fun places ! We went bowling, climbing, fishing, golfing and many more things. She always knew how to cheer me up. And afterwards, we would always get chocolate ice cream, even though it was in the midst of winter. Chocolate was always welcome !_

 _Anna always tries to cheer me up. 'Being in dark places with your mind for too long is never good, one day, you'll get stuck there and you won't be able to come out and I don't want that for you,' she always said to me. Even though she is simple of mind, she still knows more than me._

 _I stand up. I have to do something. I have to listen to her advice for once. I know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna make it up to her. That's what I'm gonna do. And I'm gonna be more understanding, and be the best girlfriend there is for her ! Then maybe,_ _she will love me again._

 _And for the first time in two days, I smile._

* * *

The pain is unbearable. I feel so tired. I want to close my eyes and sleep for a long time. I can't breath normally anymore. Every movement hurts, even the tiniest.

"Stay with me, honey !" The woman near my head says while shouting vague instructions in the air. "I know you're tired, but you can't go to sleep. Come on, open your eyes, you can do it !"

That's something Anna always says. 'You can do it.' For her, I open my eyes. The woman smiles.

"That's it," she says softly. "Now, shall we play a little game ?"

I haven't played games in a while. I was too busy with work. Anna likes playing games. She likes playing all sorts of games. Whenever we play, she always gets so excited that she doesn't know how to behave anymore. She would bounce up and down on her chair of thrill, she would squeal and giggle uncontrollably. It was beyond cute.

 _Did I ever tell you how perfect you were ?_

"Can you tell me your favourite colour ?" The woman asks, snapping me out of my trance.

"Blue," I answer softly. It hurts to speak. Anna bought me lots of blue presents. Cushions for on our couch, pencils, clothes, and even blue cupcakes to celebrate my twenty-second birthday.

 _And how much I love you._

"Very good, now, can you tell me your age ?"

I have to think harder. Why is it so difficult to tell me my age ? This shouldn't be this hard. "... twenty... twenty six," I manage to choke out. It hurts so much.

 _We've been together for over four years._

"You're doing great !" She encourages me. "Can you tell me your name ?"

 _Our anniversary is to be in a few months._

"It's e-.. Elsa."

 _I had already taken Anna's finger measurements, in secret._

A weight gets lifted off my body. The car is being lifted in the air and suddenly my body is free from its trap.

 _I had already bought a ring, a delicate one. It is pure gold, but she deserved nothing less. It resembles a sunbeam. She is my sun, my light._

I look down. And I freak out.

Blood. A lot of blood.

 _The box is now resting at the very back of my night stand. A piece of paper is laying next to it._

And my legs are in a weird angle. This is not what legs are supposed to do.

 _One day, Anna will wear a ring._

I let out a moan of pain.

 _And I'll be happy for her. Even though it isn't mine._

I can't breath.

 _She will never wear MY ring._

I can't breath ! I start to panic. I turn my head to see if the nice lady has noticed. She has. She places a mouth piece over my nose and mouth. Oxygen flows into my nose and I welcome it with gratitude. I'm never gonna take free oxygen for granted again !

My thoughts drift back to Anna. I can see her standing right in front of me. She waves at me.

 _So this is goodbye then._

I feel so tired. So tired.

The pain is gone. Only exhaustion is present.

Anna's image fades away.

 _No ! Come back ! Come back... please._

There are so many things I want to tell you, to do with you. This isn't how it was supposed to end. I was going to die with you by my side, when we're old and have lived life to its fullest. I won't die. Not like this. I can't die on you right now...

"Elsa ? Stay with me !" I barely hear it."You're gonna be ok ! Just stay with me, sweetie ?

I close my eyes again.

"No honey, you can't do that. Open your eyes. Elsa ?!... .El ..s...UUUUuuuuuuuuu-"

 _Please, just let me sleep._

I feel myself flying away. Desperately, I try to recall Anna's face. The last thing I want to see is her face. That beautifully freckled, smiling face. Her happy twin braids, her lively blue eyes. The last thing I want to see is Anna. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to remember what she looks like...

 _Anna, can you forgive me ?_

I feel myself becoming lighter and lighter and I feel all those negative feelings slipping off my shoulders like a heavy wet coat. I haven't felt like this for a long time.

Anna.

 _One day, I will see you again. And I will hold you and tell you how much I love you._

For the last time, I open my eyes to take a final look at the world.

I recognise the vague contours of a bouquet with red roses next to me. _My_ bouquet roses. For her.

 _I'm going home._

The petals are spread out over the road.

 _But not with you._

The wind blows them away. Gone. Gone are the red petals that make up the rose. Only the bare green sticks are left, spread out and broken. Ripped apart.

It's quiet. Totally and utterly quiet.

I close my eyes and fly away.

 _I'm sorry._

* * *

Am I afraid of death ?

No.

I'm afraid for those I leave behind.

* * *

 **Ok, maybe I should clear things up. Anna's character is really OOC in this story. I needed a reason why Elsa would feel the need to desperately see Anna again, this was the only realistic one I could come up with.**

 **Why.**

 **Because I have a really good friend who is basically Anna's character. A little different but the most parts are alike. She has the mind of an eight year old child, her brains stopped growing, developing when she was eight years old. So she is an eight year old in the body of a nineteen year old. And that is tough sometimes. And she is doing so great and I am so proud of her.**

 **So I drew a lot of inspiration for Anna's character from her.**

 **Secondly, Elsa also feels a little OOC. This is because I needed her to be human. And human make mistakes. And she isn't perfect, as she is in many fanfics (including my own). And she might sound a little emo, but how can you feel otherwise when you're in that situation ? So maybe I didn't do her justice, at least she has feelings.**

 **The reason I wrote this one shot is that I wanted to explore what it would feel like when you never get the opportunity to tell someone you're sorry. How would you feel, what would you** **think.. Would you fight for it ? Elsa doesn't fight for her life, she's tired, she gives in. That's one way to go.**

 **So emo, I know, I was just in the mood to write this... Life isn't all about happy, jolly and awesome things. That's not realistic.  
**

 **Anyways, thanks for reading, I hope I did not make you bawl your eyes out.**


	2. Seeds

I didn't realise how hard you tried.

I didn't realise how much you loved me.

I didn't realise how it hurt you.

Until you were gone.

* * *

The first thing I sense is a certain warmth on my face. I groggily open my eyes. Sun. I turn around and try to sleep some more. Because that's what I've been doing the past couple of months. Nothing but sleeping. There are days that I really can't get out of bed. And there are days that I'm just sitting on the couch, watching the hours tick by.

 _No matter how hard I try. I still think of you every day._

I groan and stand up. I'm hungry and walk to the kitchen. With my cereals and a glass orange juice, I plop down on the couch and watch some tv. There are some really dumb series, but I watch them anyways. The hours go by and I just lay lazily on the couch, not trying to get up and do something productive. What can I do ? Nothing cheers me up. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing has a purpose anymore.

 _It's like I can still feel you, even though I can't see you._

I hear the clinging sound of keys. The front door opens. A blond man walks in. "Hey Anna, you're up !" He cheers. He walks to the kitchen while holding up three bags. "I bought groceries and some other stuff," he informs me. I don't respond. I blankly stare at the tv.

My big brother, Kristoff. It has been hard for him too. But he deals with it better than I do. My sweet big brother. He has always been there for me. What would I do without him ?

"Anna..." Kristoff comes sitting next to me. He lays a bouquet of red roses into my lap.

My eyes go wide. I shriek and I jump up. The roses fall on the ground. Bewildered I look at him, as if he just stabbed me. Well, he kind of has. Mentally.

I still can't look at red roses. Her last present for me were red 'apology' roses. I still can't look at red roses today.

And I don't think I'll ever be able to.

Kristoff picks up the bouquet gently. "It's been so long," he mutters as he brushes the petals of the flowers. Elsa used to do that. My heart aches. "Today, a year."

 _Already ?_

He looks me in the eye. He smiles sadly. "Shall we pay her a visit ?"

My stomach complains. I feel nauseous. I shake my head. I can't. I can't do it. It hurts my soul so much even thinking of her. How can I ever survive a visit to her grave ? The thought of it makes my stomach twist and turn, it makes me feel dizzy and wanting to throw up. Her grave. I hate that word. Her grave. It came seventy years too early.

 _It came too early._

* * *

 _The day of the accident._

 _This wasn't supposed to happen. Not like that. Not at all like that._

 _She never arrived home. She never got to see me again. She probably left the world thinking I hated her._

 _But I didn't. I don't._

 _I could never hate you._

 _I get the news an hour later. An hour later._ _She was hit, they say. She is in critical condition, they say. She probably wouldn't make it, they think. It's all my fault. I pushed her. She was already on the verge of collapsing, and I didn't do anything to help her. Instead, I pushed her further towards her reaching point. She snapped. She was totally acting within her right._

 _I am a horrible person._

 _The rest happened in a blur. I remember that I called Kristof to bring me to her. He was shocked, of course. We arrive at the scene. Police men and bystanders are loudly talking and gasping at the sight. It looks horrible. The first car is laying right on the middle of the road. A man was sitting next to it, paramedics treating his wounds. The second car is horribly crushed._

 _Her car._

 _The wind whispers her name._

 _Elsa._

 _I open my car door and speed towards the yellow tape. A police officer blocks my way to her. "I need to get to her !" I scream. "She's my girlfriend, I need to see her !" He quickly steps aside. I run towards Elsa's car. A woman comes walking to my direction. I run past her, all I care about is Elsa._

 _She catches me in my haste and holds me back._

 _"NO !" I scream desperately and try to reach for Elsa. "NO please !" Tears run down my cheeks like waterfalls._

 _A glimpse of bloodied pale legs catches my eye. I try to get loose. The woman is stronger and holds me back. "It's best that you don't see her like this," she says sternly._

 _I feel a pair of big arms wrapping around my shoulders. Kristoff. I turn towards him and cry into his chest. The woman rubs my shoulder. "I'm very sorry for your loss," is all she says. She smiles understandingly, b_ _ut she wouldn't understand what I just lost._

 _I lost more than only my best friend and girlfriend._

 _I lost my everything. My support, my lover, my Snowflake... I lost my everything._

 _The wind howls._

 _Elsa. Come back to me._

* * *

I slowly put on my jacket. Elsa always loved the colour red on me. It made me look so fierce, she told me repeatedly. I growl and wriggle out of it. I throw it in the corner of my bedroom. Kristoff's bedroom. His guest bedroom. I've been living in his apartment for a year now. I can't bear to set foot in ours again. It hasn't been sold yet, technically I'm still renting the place. I'm just not living in it. I don't think I'll ever be able to live in it. It reminds me too much of her.

I have to sell it. They want me to move out of it so new people can take the place. But I don't want that either. This was Elsa's first home. And her last. I don't want to sell her home. If I do, every real proof that she really existed I have of her, will then be wiped away to only be a memory, a short period in my life.

 _Our four and a half years together have flown by._

I haven't lived it to its fullest while she was still there. I haven't lived it to its fullest _with_ her.

"Anna," Kristoff's soft voice calls me back to the present. "Are you ready ?"

 _Will I ever be ready ?_

I sigh and put on my other coat. A black one. It kind of suits the situation. We step out of the door. It's the first time in months that I've been outside. The cold air enters my nostrils. I let out a sob.

 _Why does literally everything remind me of you ?_

She adored the cold weather. She was born in the winter. A real winter baby. Snow and ice was her thing. She could spend hours in the snow and on the ice. She adored the winter season. She was the embodiment of winter itself. And it was a gorgeous sight.

We walk slowly to the cemetery. Frost covers the tomb stones. A small white tombstone comes into view. I stop.

"Anna ?" Kristoff asks softly.

I shake my head and look at him with pleading eyes.

He takes my hand and leads me to the stone. Here I stand. By her grave. I stare at the inscription.

 _Here lays our beloved daughter, girlfriend and sister; Elsa Sofia Roberts._

 _The storm rages on, but the cold has never bothered you anyway._

 _1989 – 2015_

Kristoff places the roses right in front of the stone. The red contrasts stark with the spotless white. Elsa loved roses. Blue roses were her favourite. Next time, I'm going to buy her blue roses. The sky is grey. Everything is grey. Except for her grave. I bend down and place my hand on her stone.

"I can't believe it's already been a year since I lost you," I whisper. "How I miss you. Do you wanna build a snowman ?"

The wind howls.

And she... she will never answer me back.

* * *

 _Two days after the accident._

 _I get a call that day. They told me that she was ready. That I could see her. My heart beats fast in my chest. I don't know if I can do this. Kristoff is with me. He knew her very well too. They've always liked each other. He loved to be her big brother too. Siblings, not by blood, but by heart. Elsa never had a big brother, so Kristoff gladly took that position. My parents also thought highly of her. They took her in like a daughter. She was welcomed with open arms._

 _And she would always be welcome._

 _We walk slowly to the morgue. The air is dense and smells horrible. I guess that's what dead people smell like._

 _I can't do this._

 _But I have to. For her._

 _The door opens and an old, friendly looking man calls my name. We walk into the room. There is only one curtain. I suddenly have the feeling that I have to throw up. The old man leaves the room. We have the time to ourselves, he says. Kristoff takes my hand and softly leads me to the curtain. I stop abruptly._

 _"Kristoff... I can't," I whimper. The tears already start rolling down my cheek. He smiles sadly. "You don't have to."_

 _But I want to._

 _"I can go first if you'd like..." he offers. I nod. He steps behind the curtain. I expect a gasp, a scream of terror... Nothing. "She looks as beautiful as always," he whispers._

 _I swallow down the big lump in my throat. This is it. I'm doing this for her. This needs to have an ending. I step behind the curtain. My heart skips a beat._

 _"That's not her." I say curtly._

 _I know it's her. But it isn't HER. The woman laying on the table is not my beloved girlfriend. That is not my Snowflake. I stomp my foot on the ground. "This isn't her ! This isn't how Elsa looked like when she was still alive !"_

 _When she was still... alive._

 _My heart hurts at the sight of her laying so helpless on that cold table. They did everything to fix her up. Put casts around her horribly broken legs. Stuffed her stomach so she didn't look like a skeleton. Applied make up on her face to cover up those ugly bruises. She looks so fragile, so broken. I can only stare at her. If only she knew how much I already miss her._

 _Her face looks so serene. So calm. As if she's just taking a nap. As if she's going to wake up any minute now, see me standing next to her and smile at me hesitantly. Then she will get up and hug me, tell me how much she loves me. And I will hug her back. And I will hold her close to me. And I will never, never let her go._

 _But she will never wake up again. I will never get to see her gorgeous blue eyes again. She will never get up and hug me again._

 _And it makes my soul cringe._

 _She is white. So white. She always had a pale skin. But this is beyond pale. Her lips look stiff. Everything on her looks stiff. Her eyelids, her hair, even her eyebrows. They all look too stiff. My eyes travel down her body. She is wearing the clothes I picked out for her. They asked me if I wanted to help her dress. I didn't. I didn't want to see that broken body. I didn't want to look at her dead, cold body. I couldn't dress her, even though I so badly wanted it._

 _You're safe now._

 _The clothes fit her slim body perfectly. This is her favourite outfit. The red stilettos that looked so sexy on her. Tight, skinny jeans. A white blouse. A slim fitting suit jacket. Her watch on her wrist. Her snowflake necklace, I once bought for her, around her beautiful neck. She was so excited when I showed her the necklace. She was beaming. And her smile melted me completely._

 _I let out a sob. My fingers trace her eyebrows. The tiny hairs are stiff and unmoving. Her skin is as cold as ice._

 _You didn't deserve this._

 _I slowly grab her delicate hand. Cold. It's still flexible, I'm surprised._

 _You deserve a happy, long, perfect life._

 _I play with her long fingers. I feel the bones under the skin. I gulp down a sob. She'll never play the piano ever again. She'll never fiddle with her braid ever again. And she'll never cherish and play with my hair ever again._

 _And here you lay._

 _Behind me, Kristoff places two chairs. He sits down on one of them. "I'm going to miss that girl so badly," he mutters. And for the first time, in sixteen years, he cries._

* * *

"Anna, it's time," Kristoff speaks.

I turn my head.

Time for wh... Oh. It's time.

"B-b- but I'm not ready yet," I croak. I don't think I'll ever be.

Kristoff seats on the couch next to me. "They need you to remove your stuff, Anna. And you need to move on." He rubs my arm. "Let her go, Anna."

Elsa always used to say 'let it go'. It was her little chant, she lived by it. She has had so many things in her life that she had to let go. She learned to do it. She was learning me to do it. She was learning me to do everything.

I growl. What am I ? A fucking toddler ? I can do things on my own ! I can take care of myself !

 _Yet here I am... I am pathetic._

It's been a year, and I still can't bear the fact that I have to live without her every single day. She used to take care of me. She used to sing me to sleep, with that angelic voice. She used to watch over me. And now...

"If you don't move the stuff out by the end of the month, they're going to do it for you. And I don't think you would want that," he stands up. "Come on, I'll help you. I've always helped you."

He has always helped.

Wether he liked it or not. Because I couldn't do it myself. Because I'm a pathetic little girl. And I'll always be. He always took care of me, until Elsa came along.

She came into our lives like the miracle we were hoping for. She was so sweet, kind and understanding. She didn't care that I was different. All she cared for was my happiness. She did everything to bring me that.

And look where it brought her to.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and press the button. Seven voice mails. From her. The last thing I have of her. Voice mailing was never her thing. She did it anyways. For me. Because of me.

 **\- Booooppp ! -**

 _"Hey Anna, it's me, Elsa... obviously... I- I.. I just wanted to call you to hear your voice. Are you doing ok ? I'm sorry. I messed up."_

 **\- Booooppp ! -**

 _"Anna, please pick up. It doesn't have to be for long. I just want to hear you."_

 **\- Booooppp ! -**

 _"I love you."_

 **\- Booooppp ! -**

 _"You have every right to ignore me."_

 **\- Booooppp ! -**

 _"I miss you... Anna."_

 **\- Booooppp ! -**

 _"Anna ! I'm coming home. And I will set things right. Wait for me !"_

Those were her last words to me. My heart aches. I can't do this. I won't do this.

 _I don't want to live without the thought of you !_

 _I'm not ready... yet._

It feels like the world is moving on without me. I'm frozen on the same spot. I can't move. I can't think. I can't feel. Everything feels heavy. Every thought costs energy that I don't have. Every fiber in my body lingers to her. It always goes back to her.

What have I done ?

My finger hoovers over the grey button. I can't breath normally anymore. My hand moves to my mouth and I start to cry. My throat becomes heavy, thick. Tears fall onto my lap. Without thought, I hit the grey button. 'Delete these items ?'

 _I have to let go._

'Confirm.'

 _Of you._

I put my hands over my face and cry out loud. I don't want to see it. I don't want to see how she gets erased from my phone. As if she never existed.

 _But I don't want to._

A short beep informs me that the inevitable has happened.

 _Because I still love you._

'Items deleted.'

* * *

 _Six days after the accident._

 _"I thank you all for coming," I say with a loud voice through the microphone. I look at the people that have gathered. There are so many ! I never expected all of them to come. And Elsa thought she wasn't loved... If she could see how many people cared for her. Her family, friends, colleagues, former lovers and even her students showed up._

 _And you thought you weren't loved._

 _They all came to pay you one last visit. And then your coffin will be closed forever._

 _I wipe away a tear._

 _"They asked me if I wanted to say_ _something. I didn't have to, they told me. But I accepted. She's my girlfriend and this is the last thing I'll ever be able to do for her._

 _We weren't perfect. We bickered, we fought, we bitched. But we loved each other, with all our hearts. She was perfect in every way. She was smart, kind and beautiful. She was an amazing teacher, loving daughter and enjoyable colleague. She was a sweet girlfriend and a brilliant pianist. And even though she was perfect, she was a surprisingly bad cook..."_

 _The audience laughs softly._

 _"...but that made her appreciate my meals even more. The look on her face whenever I put down a plate of freshly cooked spaghetti. She totally adored my spaghetti. A thing she also adored was chocolate. She couldn't get enough of them. For her birthday, I always bought her a box. The smile on her face resembled that of a child's when meeting Santa for the first time. I gave her all kinds of crappy gifts, but she loved every single one of them._

 _How wrong I was when I said that she didn't understand me, that night. She did understand me, and she was trying to protect me from myself. And I didn't pick up the signals. Such a fool I am. I spit at her. The last time I interacted with her, I spit at her. Way to go Anna, worst girlfriend ever. She left the house and didn't come home the next day. And what did I do ? I kept ignoring her calls, her pleas for forgiveness. I was bitter, selfish and.. arrogant. If it weren't for me, she would have come home the other day. And she wouldn't have laid in this ugly coffin, because really, it's ugly._

 _I guess I want to tell you all that it's important to say goodbye to your loved ones. Even if you had a fight, don't ever let them walk out on you without a proper goodbye. Because I just let Elsa walk out of my life and I'll have to live with that regret every single day. She was my Snowflake, my sweetheart, my goofball. And because of one mistake, I'll never get to see her again._

 _Elsa, you are the love of my life. And you will always be. Forever._

 _Goodbye Elsa._

 _Let's build a snowman."_

 _The audience is quiet. I walk back to my seat. Kristoff rubs my shoulder. I stare at the ground. My vision becomes a blur and tears wet the red carpet under my feet._

 _Her parents come by later that day. I can't look at her mother. She looks so much like Elsa. It's like Elsa is standing in front of me, only an_ _older version of her. Her mother hugs me. It's like Elsa hugs me. I sob. Her father shakes my hand. He looks devastated. Their only child._

 _At least my parents have Kristoff when I were dead._

 _"You did good," Elsa's mother whispers. "And you are not to blame. This was a horrible accident, but it was not your fault."_

 _But I didn't safe her, so it'll always be... my fault._

* * *

It's been weeks since I visited her grave. I got a call from my boss a few days ago. He asked how I was doing, if I needed anything and when I would come back to work.

 _When I would come back to work._

He told me to take my time to grieve properly. It was kind of him, but threatening to fire me if I don't come to work soon is from a whole other level. He can't do that to me ! If I go back to work, things will soon be the way they were and I will forget her. And I don't want that. I want to keep her alive, I want to keep her phantom alive. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to forget her. Not now, never.

I sit on the couch. Dreading for what's next to come.

The apartment.

I'm going to visit it this afternoon. I have to move our stuff out of it. I have to move _Elsa's_ stuff out of it. Kristoff offered me a ride, but I want to walk instead. I want to do this on my own. This is between Elsa and me.

The time has come and I slowly head to her place. Our place. My place. I manage to drag myself up the familiar staircase. I have so many memories of us that have its roots here. I kissed her for the first time on these stairs. We were drunk together on these stairs. We cried together on these stairs. We laughed together on these stairs. She dropped a real expensive wine bottle on these stairs. She was so embarrassed.

 _This is where I asked you to be my girlfriend. Do you remember that, Elsa ?_

I stand before our door. I can feel still feel her. As if she's there.

I turn the knob. The door opens with a croak. The room is surprisingly bright. The sun rays hit the couch, the dining table and other furniture. Nothing has been changed for over a year. Everything is exactly the way it was, the night she left. I close the door behind me. I can smell her scent still hanging in the air. Her cool, wintry scent. It was a unique scent, one of a kind.

 _Everything still smells of you, how can I ever forget you ?_

The door to her study is still half open. My heart beats like a maniac in my chest. I push her study door further open. I break down and fall on the ground while crying hysterically. The torn papers are still laying spread out on the floor. Her book, her most proud possession, still lays broken next to her chair. Her papers are still neatly folded on her desk. The pencils lay next to it. And her empty cup of tea stands in the corner.

Everything in this room brings me back to that night. I cry. I never stop. I can't stop. So much grief. So much guilt. So much sorrow. How could I let her go that easily ? It feels like she just slipped away from under my grasp. I should have stopped her. I should have returned her calls and texts... I should have. I'm a coward. I was so cooped up with myself and my anger that I never thought about the fact that she might be hurt as well. I insulted her. I ripped her books apart. I spit at her !

How could I be so blind. I knew she loved me with all her heart. I took it for granted. She tried her best. I didn't. I'm a loser. I don't deserve her.

And now she's gone.

Because of me.

 _Why did you leave me behind ? Can't you see that I can't do it on my own ? It's so unfair._

I'm angry. And sad. And I'm angry because she just stepped out of my life. But can't be angry at her. Because none of it was her fault. And I feel so guilty.

 _Please forgive me._

I crawl over the ground and collect the torn pages. I pick up her book and lay it on her desk. Red notes cover the pages. Her handwriting is on every page. Her beautiful neat handwriting. I read a few lines. They're not even about maths.

 _'Sun rays. No. The sun itself ? Gold. Definitely gold. Nothing less.'_

Another page.

 _'Pretty small. Not too thick. Not too thin. I don't want it to break easily.'_

I have no idea what she was talking about. I grin sadly. Goofy girl. Brilliant, goofy girl.

 _It's like you never left. Everything in this room is so connected to you._

I leave her study. The bedroom is next. Our bedroom. I haven't slept in it since the day she left. I couldn't. Her pillow, her side of the bed, I just couldn't lay in it while she was away. I never could.

The room is cold. The sheets still lay like a year ago. The sheets on her side of the bed neatly folded. The sheets on my side look like a mess. Her pillow is full and clean. Mine looks like a flat pancake. Her glasses lay on her night stand. On top of a book she was reading. The bookmark still in it to let her know where she left off. She will never read the end of it. She will never know the happy ending. She will never have _her_ happy ending.

I open our closet. Her clothes are still in it. I stuff one of her hoodies in my face. I can still smell her. I pull it off its hanger and put it on.

 _You were always the organised one of the two of us._

I walk to her side of the bed and sit on it. Then, my eye catches the door of her night stand. I was never allowed to take a look in it. It was the one thing she liked to keep private, the rest of the house was all mine to explore, she always said. Should I open it ? I should leave it closed, I should respect her wishes, even after death.

But I open it anyways.

A few papers are on the top shelve. Her PhD, her certificates and other major achievements she accomplished spite her young age. The middle shelve contains a box of Belgian chocolates. I smirk. How about that !

 _Hiding chocolates from me, Elsa ?_

The last shelve is empty. Empty ? My hand roams through it. At the very back of it, I find something. I pull it out. It's a tiny black box. A small paper folded in half next to it.

A tiny. black. box.

My stomach drops.

No.

I open it.

no...

I take out the small golden ring and observe it closely. It resembled the sun. Gold and magnificent. I immediately put the ring around my finger. It fits perfectly. I stare at my hand.

Anna Roberts – Warren.

Her name fits me like a tailor made coat.

I fold open the tiny paper. In blue ink, only three words are written on it.

 _'Be mine, forever.'_

I press the paper to my chest and sob uncontrollably. I nod. I keep nodding. "Yes, I'll be yours. Forever and ever. I'll be yours." I cry as I kiss the tiny note repeatedly. "I'll be yours, Elsa. I'll be all yours."

* * *

I didn't realise how hard you tried.

I didn't realise how much you loved me.

I didn't realise how it hurt you.

Until you were gone.

* * *

 **This sequel wasn't supposed to happen. But it seemed only fair to show how Anna copes with Elsa's death. Her feelings and thoughts is what I would feel and think if I ever were to lose someone close to me. Also, grieving takes time, you can't one day decide that you're done grieving. It sometimes takes years and then still you never really get over someone.**

 **Death is normal. Everyone has lost someone. Pull strength from each other. Comfort each other. And keep hope. Because one day, you'll meet again.**

 **This is the last chapter of this supposed to be one shot. I wrote it surprisingly quickly though.  
**

 **Thanks for reading. I'll go back to fluff and happy things now as this has required a very dark mindset for me.**

 **Yours truly, 116788**


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